The Alphabet of Haruhi Suzumiya
by The Jenx
Summary: A through Z drabbles of various genres, characters, and pairings. E: Taniguchi teaches Kunikida how to woo a woman.
1. A is for Age

Hi! I'm Jenx. It has apparently become my tradition that, when I like a fandom enough to write for it, the first thing I do is start a series of alphabetical drabbles. And somehow, I never get tired of this. SOMEHOW. XD So, um, apparently I like Haruhi enough. So have A drabble series! Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Nagato Yuki cannot feel, but if she could, she would feel old. It's not that her body is old- she's approaching her fourth birthday, and she understands that is young. (Why she bothers to remember such a thing as a birthday, she's not sure. The date of her creation is unimportant.) 

She watches Kyon and Suzumiya argue over some trivial matter, and she feels old because they must be so young if they don't understand that they love each other. She wants to tell them so they will understand and she can stop feeling so old, but she knows the data would lose its meaning if it was put in words. Thousands of years and millions of observations have taught her to quantify love, but she is still unable to explain it.

She feels old when the first snow of winter comes and Suzumiya declares a snow war on the computer club. She watches them fight each other from ditches and trees, hurling snowballs with rocks at the center and leaving ice on the floor of the club room. They shout. They curse. They smile. Nagato observes and calculates statistics on their happiness, and she feels old.

Nagato likes funerals. She visits them sometimes and sits at the back. She's fond of the elderly, the ones who have seen death often and understand it. They sit straight-backed in their chairs and stare at the front of the church. Solemn. Stoic. Calm. Yuki sits among them. She cannot understand death. She hopes that one day, one of the elderly will explain it to her and she can listen like she is young.

* * *

Chah... that wasn't supposed to be about Yuki at all when I started... it wasn't even supposed to be a Haruhi fic... I was trying to write for Baccano!, but it didn't work out. Ummm, concrit is welcome, happy holidays, and I'll see you all later! 


	2. B is for Bicker

The object here was to write it with as little description as possible. If it had really gone well, this would be pure dialogue. :D Of course, that never really works, but I'll probably try again later. I'm sorry if the quality of the story suffered because of my challenge.

* * *

Koizumi's homework was spread out all over Kyon's floor. This was simply unacceptable. Kyon gritted his teeth and stomped across the room, crushing a pile of notes or a textbook here and there until he reached the alcove between Kyon's desk and the wall, which Koizumi has cornered himself into. 

"You."

Koizumi glanced up.

"You are a _slob_."

Koizumi raised his eyebrows.

"I apologize. If you move, I can clean up."

"I don't want you to clean up, I want you to _leave_. I don't like you."

"Yes, understood, and thank you very much for letting me stay. I appreciate it, and I'm sure the heat at my flat will be fixed in no time at all."

"Are you listening at all?"

"Of course. You said that don't like me."

Koizumi smiled and set aside the algebra book he has been working out of to squeeze past Kyon. Kyon considered kicking him, but decided it would be too much effort- he just stayed towering over the esper as he collected the piles of notes and stacked the textbooks in one corner.

"…And I want you to leave?" Kyon reminded him. Koizumi chuckled and clasped his hands together.

"Oh, but we're having so much fun together, Kyon!"

"I'm not having fun."

"I am."

Kyon thought about what kind of fun Koizumi might be having behind Kyon's back. Kyon regretted thinking at all.

"That's creepy."

"I'm not the one who sleeps with his sister."

"She crawled into bed with me! What am I supposed to do, chase her out after she comes in crying about a nightmare?"

"Kyon, my sister stopped doing that when she turned eight."

"You have a sister?"

"I do."

"She's not traumatized?"

Koizumi's eyes flattened in what was _almost_ a glare.

"…Oh wait," Kyon said, snapping his fingers, "is she a freak too?"

Koizumi heaved a melodramatic sigh.

"She's quite normal, Kyon… I'm hurt that you see me as such a bad influence."

"Didn't we just establish that I hate you?"

"Ah, yes we did! I forgot."

Kyon moved aside to let Koizumi back into the corner beside the desk. Koizumi settled back against the wall and picked up the algebra book, all innocence and smiles. Kyon frowned.

"Wait a sec… why don't you stay where your sister is staying?"

"Because my uncle isn't as amusing, or as attractive," he replied, turning the page.

Kyon's brain broke. Koizumi glanced up again and giggled.

"…Also, he lives in Osaka. I've been living alone since I transferred."

"Then why didn't you say so when I first asked?!"

"Because you make the most interesting faces. Do you practice in a mirror?"

"I really _do_ hate you."

* * *

You could read Koizumi/Kyon into that if you want, I guess, of Kyon/his sister if you're into incest and pedophilia... but honeslty I just wrote it because I like how those two bounce off of each other. 

P.S. Please review... this is probably the worst review turnout I've ever had so far, which would be ok if it was a tiny fandom, but it's not. So it makes me sad. Or something.


	3. C is for Cake

Oh wow. I didn't expect people to actuallt review when I whined. Now I feel kind of bad about whining in the first place. Er, in any case, thanks a ton!

I'm sorry this is so late, it ran much longer than it was supposed to. Also, since I've had people tell me they didn't like A (thanks for the feedback btw) I may add a replacement later.

* * *

Kyon was displeased. It probably had something to do with the apron that he was wearing. Or maybe it had to do with the apron that Koizumi was wearing- it was frilly and pink, and he looked _happy_ about it. That was downright creepy. But no, he wasn't really displeased for these trivial reasons. He was displeased about something much, much worse.

"Alright!" From the front of the room, Haruhi stomped on the desk. She held her hands on her hips and stared down her minions with a big cat-ate-the-canary grin on her face. "Let the SOS Brigade Bake-Off… BEGIN!"

And _that_ was the problem. Haruhi had somehow managed to abduct the home economics classroom for her newest endeavor. When she announced the idea, she gave a speech about broadening your horizons and doing your best at absolutely everything for "the honor of the SOS bridage"- as if the brigade had any honor. Kyon was sure that she just wanted cake.

Haruhi, of course, was not participating. Her armband read "Ultra Super Baking Judge" today, but apparently she was above the actual dirty work. The remaining members were gathered around a table in an assortment of aprons Haruhi had pilfered from the supply closet- Koizumi's was the terrifying feminine style, Mikuru's had a cute kitten logo on the chest, Kyon's own apron was plain white (he had refused anything else), and Yuki sported a simple "Kiss the Cook" apron. Kyon didn't think she would appreciate being kissed.

The rules of the competition went like this- there were no cookbooks. They were provided with the same basic ingredients and they shared a pile of more advanced supplies in the middle of the table. They had an hour and a half. Haruhi had run off after the first ten minutes, however- probably bad news, but also kind of a blessing. The loser had to do whatever she decided for them upon completion of the judging- apparently this was going to be a punishment tailor-made to the offender.

"That's alright," Koizumi said. He measured out some flour and bent over to read the measuring cup. "I expect you will be the loser, but I can't imagine she would do anything too malicious to you. She is fond of you, after all."

"I resent that." Kyon slammed down his bag of sugar and glared at Koizumi across the table. "I mean, it's not like I've never cooked in my life. My little sister-" on second thought, he'd best not mention the tea parties to this guy. He swallowed the rest of the sentence and looked for a good mixing spoon instead. "…I've cooked before."

Koizumi giggled. That giggle was near the top of the reasons why Kyon hated him- what was _with_ that? Seriously, did he _try_ to sound like a grade-school girl?

"But you have had the least experience, I think. I usually cook for myself, so my cake will be passable. Nagato may not bake, but I'm sure she is prepared with some complex formula for the proportions. Asahina…" He smiled at me. "…I need not elaborate."

Actually, Koizumi, that's not quite right. As lovely as Asahina was, and as heavenly as her cooking had been the few times Kyon had the pleasure of tasting it… she seemed completely lost. In fact, she hadn't even started. She stood amidst the sea of ingredients and clutched an egg whisk to her chest, whimpering.

"…Are you OK?"

"Ah!" Apparently, Kyon's voice had caught her by surprise. She put her arms up in surprise, dropping the egg whisk. It clattered to the floor. She stared down at it, and tears pooled in her eyes. "Uuu… I dropped it…"

Kyon made a half-hearted effort not to stare at her butt when she bent over to pick it up. Koizumi winced.

"Perhaps I misjudged," he whispered. Kyon chose to ignore the blatant insult to his angel.

"Asahina? What's wrong?" he asked.

She stood up. The egg whisk had collected an impressive amount of dust from the floor.

"Now I can't use it…" she sniffled and looked up at Kyon with her big doe eyes. "Is this thing important? Is my cake going to taste bad now?"

"No! No, I'm sure it'll taste wonderful," Kyon assured her, almost automatically. Then he paused. "Wait, you don't know what that is?"

Asahina shook her head.

"No… I don't use these kinds of tools at home… It's…" she gave the dusty egg whisk a forlorn stare. "…primitive. I don't know how to use it."

An image popped into Kyon's head. Asahina in a small apartment kitchen, surrounded by all sorts of buzzing and blinking technological devices, taking a tray of cookies hot out of the refridgermicrooven, wearing some futuristic apron.

"Oh. Primitive." Kyon said. Asahina nodded.

"It's an egg whisk." Koizumi put down his bowl and found his own whisk. He took it over to the other side of the table and put it in Asahina's hands. "You use it to beat the eggs, possibly with other light ingredients like sugar or milk. Here, like this." He stood behind the angel and wrapped his arms around her, guiding her hands with his own as they pretended to beat eggs. Kyon saw red.

"She knows that!" he snapped, and threw a stray measuring spoon at the smiling bastard. Koizumi stepped aside and the spoon flew towards the oven behind him. A pale hand appeared and snatched it out of the air before it shattered the glass. Kyon's eyes trailed up along the arm to meet Yuki's eyes.

"…Broken glass is a hazard," she said. Then she opened her palm, let the spoon drop to the floor, and went back to work.

Nagato's work, as it were, was almost done. Kyon hadn't noticed before, but now it was impossible not to. His jaw hung open as he watched her stirring together the last of the ingredients- her spoon was moving so fast that he could barely see it. Kyon swallowed hard.

"Um. Ah. Nagato?"

She lifted her head to stare at him. Her hands didn't stop their flurry of motion.

"…I think… that's what we have electric mixers here for… you don't have to work that hard at it."

She blinked and then put the bowl down.

"It's already done." And she started pouring the mix into a round cake pan.

"Oh. Ah. Ok."

Kyon wasn't sure what else to say. He turned back to his own sad batter, which was starting to resemble a bowl of oatmeal that had been sitting out for a week or two; it was an awkward off-white color with bubbles and lumps. He couldn't figure out how it had gotten that way either- not that he had a ton of experience with baking, but still. He got the feeling that this wasn't going to rise very well. If only he had some convenient excuse to leave right now, maybe he could still escape Haruhi's wrath.

No such luck. An hour later later, after Asahina had spilled milk all over the counter, Koizumi had added some strange ingredients to Kyon's batter behind his back ("I'm helping you out! You need baking powder to make it rise, and the hint of vanilla will blah blah blah…"), and Nagato had gotten most of the way through some foreign novel, it was finally over. A light snow of confectioner's sugar covered everything in the room, there were dirty dishes piled in the sink, and Asahina's apron was one big mass of stains, but it was over. The four cakes were lined up on the table at the front, in varying degrees of completion.

Nagato's was first- it was finished, technically. She had been the first to finish, before she sat down to read. The trouble is, once she started reading she couldn't be bothered to stop for such trivial things as icing. She didn't even react when the timer for the oven went off; Kyon had to rescue her creation from being charred.

Asahina's was next. Kyon felt a bit terrible about this. It was a pile of mush with a bit of icing smeared on where she could manage. She had added an icing flower on top in an attempt to make it look more appealing, but the overall effect was of a pile of decorative garbage.

Koizumi's was beautiful. Of course. Smug bastard. He had somehow managed to make a chocolate cake with pristine blue icing, complete with an orange icing drawing of a cat on the top, because he 'may as well do something since he finished early'. Kyon _hated_ him.

Kyon's was last. He was honestly glad that he had managed to finish at all. The stupid cake had even risen, at least a little bit- but only on one side. It looked more like a wedge of cheese than a cake. He had actually tried to play off the mistake, using yellow icing with black spots, but it looked more like it had a pox than like it was swiss cheese. Koizumi had offered to add an icing mouse on top to help with context, but Kyon refused. It was probably that jerk's fault that his cake had turned out bad in the first place- he was sure those added ingredients had been sabotage.

Haruhi stood over them, circling the row like a hungry predator.

"Hmmm…"A cat-caught-the-canary smile crept over her face. She took a deep breath, savoring the aroma. "Peeeerfect… Let the judging begin!" And with that, she attacked Nagato's cake. "Mmm." She nodded in approval. "Hmm… Veruh ood!" she managed through a mouthful of cake. She swallowed and burst into a grin. "Yuki, you're really good at this! You should bake more often, ok? I decree it!"

Yuki looked up from her book. She inclined her head in a slight nod. She went back to reading.

"The only problem is the icing," Haruhi continued, pacing a circle around the cakes. "The most essential part of a cake is the icing, probably. It adds that extra bit of sweet, you know? A cake without icing is like a dark alley without a serial killer! It just isn't right."

Kyon really should've been used to that sort of comparison by now, but he couldn't help but cringe. How did she come up with these things, anyways?

"Aaaaaaand, this one." Haruhi grabbed Koizumi's cake, grinning. "Oooooh, it's so pretty I almost don't want to destroy it. I feel bad about cutting the cat too… where did you learn this, Koizumi?" she asked with a vicious stab at the cat's face.

"My aunt runs a bakery," Koizumi said. Haruhi took a big bite out of the cake. She chewed it for a moment. Then her face twisted into a grimace.

"…Koizumi, this is horrible."

"Is it?" Koizumi asked, smiling away.

"Absolute rubbish," Haruhi said, heaving a melodramatic sigh. "I must say, I'm disappointed in you."

"I'm terribly sorry," Koizumi said in a solemn tone. He even bowed his head in apology. Not that any of it was sincere- as soon as Haruhi's back was turned, he smiled and winked at Kyon as if there was some private joke. What is it, Koizumi? You didn't actually do that on purpose, did you? Creep.

"Okay, next." Haruhi descended upon Kyon's cake, but stopped right before she cut into it. "Kyon, what is this?"

Kyon sighed.

"What is what?"

"Your cake is diseased!" Haruhi declared, thrusting the knife at him. He yelped and jerked backwards to avoid having his nose removed. "It has funny spots all over it! You expect me to eat this? Is this a secret plot to take down your brigade leader with food poisoning? An assassination? Well let me tell you, this Julius Caesar will never fall! I am the only leader fit for the SOS Brigade!" Haruhi finished her speech in a dramatic pose with one foot up on the chair, waving the knife over her head.

Silence smothered the room.

"Ah… Suzumiya…" Koizumi's tentative voice broke the silence. Haruhi snapped to attention, pointing the knife at him.

"What is it?"

"…I believe it's a decorative pattern," he continued, rubbing the back of his neck. "It looks a little like a wedge of cheese, wouldn't you say?"

Kyon scowled. He didn't want to be rescued by that guy. Haruhi narrowed her eyes.

"Et tu, Brutus?" she hissed, leaning in closer. "Are you in on the scheme, Koizumi?"

"Not really," he said, still smiling. Haruhi studied him for a moment, then sat back and folded her arms across her chest.

"Okay. I'll believe you, but you have to try it first. So if it's poisoned, you'll die too. Understood?"

"Of course." Koizumi stepped forwards and cut a bit off of Kyon's cake. Haruhi watched as he ate it, nodded, and smiled. "It's not bad at all." He strode back to his place and snaked an arm around Kyon's shoulder. "You have a natural talent for baking, Kyon," he said, leaning in.

"Your face is too close," Kyon said, holding his hand up to fend off the bastard. Koizumi sighed in defeat and let him go.

"Hmmm." Haruhi nibbled on her bit of cake. She still looked suspicious, but the uncertainty melted off her face as soon as she tasted it. "Kyon, this is pretty good. Is that vanilla that I taste? Not bad, not bad! I love vanilla!"

Koizumi winked at Kyon again. It took a good deal of restraint not to punch him in the face.

"And last, but not… uh…" Haruhi cast a dubious look upon Asahina's pile of cake. "…Last," she said again, prodding at it with a fork. Asahina whimpered. "Asahina, what happened?"

"Ahm… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… it's, um…"

The poor girl looked on the verge of tears. Haruhi sighed.

"Never mind, let's just get this over with." She took a tiny bit of the mush. Asahina gnawed on her bottom lip and studied her feet, too afraid to watch the look of disappointment that she was sure must be on her commander's face. She had let Haruhi down, she knew it, she was sorry she was sorry she was

"Mmmm! Oh, this is wonderful!"

"Eh?" Asahina looked up. Haruhi grinned and took another huge forkful of cake goop.

"I guess this is some sort of artistic presentation which is weird, but this is without a doubt the absolute best cake ever!"

"Oh…" Asahina's heavenly visage went from a cute pout to a glowing smile in seconds flat. Kyon's heart raced. "Oh, really? I'm so glad you like it!" she said, clasping her hands together.

"Ok, so Mikuru-chan is the winner," Haruhi said, digging into the icing flower on top of the pile. "Let's see, I think Kyon and Yuki probably tie for second. Koizumi, that makes you last place."

"So it does."

"So your punishment is…" Haruhi drummed her fingers on the table. Kyon watched her with smug satisfaction- he wasn't sure what Koizumi was up to with those creepy winks and messing with Kyon's cake, but it was nice to see him punished for his devious plans. It would have been better if Koizumi had looked at least a bit nervous, though; it was hard to take delight in his misery when he looked so pleased. "You have to eat your terrible cake," she finished.

Kyon couldn't believe his ears. What? That was all? No running around naked screaming "ALIENS ARE AFTER ME!", no weird commands? Why was he getting off so easy!? Koizumi didn't seem to agree, though. He looked positively horrified. _This_ was that look of utter defeat that Kyon had been waiting for… but… over a cake?

"But… Suzumiya-san…"

"If you really want, you can pick one person to suffer with you. After all, misery loves company," she reasoned. Koizumi's smile snapped back into place.

"You're so kind," he said, and wrapped his arm around Kyon's shoulder again. What was that supposed to mean? Kyon was not comfortable with this situation. "In that case, I have made my decision," he continued, and pulled Kyon closer to him.

"Kyon it is, then!" Haruhi squealed with a sadistic grin. "Alright you two, get going. Kyon, take this as a reminder that if you don't help out your comrades, you suffer too. It's teamwork, you understand?"

"Teamwork," Koizumi repeated, smiling from ear to ear as he patted Kyon on the back.

Kyon hated his life.

* * *

I have Queen's "Killer Queen" stuck in my head.

Construcitve criticism is appreciated as always. Particularly with the way I changed point of view a few times here, if anyone has comments or complaints on how that worked out...


	4. D is for Danger

Every Friday, Asahina Mikuru files a transfer request. Every Monday, it comes back with a red stamp on the top. No notes, no reasoning, just 'rejected' in bold red ink. She tries not to be upset about it. After all, her superiors are more informed, more intelligent, more perfect than her. She just doesn't understand why they would insist on her staying at North High when it kept the apocalypse looming so close.

She did her best, of course. They were testing her. If she could work with Kyon for years and not trigger disaster, then she would be promoted for some super-cool secret mission. That wasn't appealing for the money or the power- just the information. Maybe, if she could succeed in this, she could finally be trusted. Maybe, if she had information, she wouldn't be so useless. Every time she watched someone else save the day, she felt a little bit smaller, a bit more faded. Keep it up much longer and you'd be able to see right through her. She'd be a dress wearing a face in the doorway, then one day she'd be reassigned to decorate another room. That's no way to live.

So she waits. She separates herself by inches. She studies the floor or the table or anything but his face. She takes pictures of strangers in the park, the kind of men she might like, and frames them in her room. She stands just a little further every time her transfer request comes back, and scratches the days into the bedpost.

There's no helping it, she tells herself, as he smiles and sits down beside her.

It's for the best.

She rises and pours the tea before settling into the seat across from him, and she fades.

* * *

Here, have a massive apology for how late this is. Honestly I tried writing it 60000 times before, but I don't like Mikuru much so it was really difficult. Um... I hope to continue this with alot less trouble. Then again, I also hope to write that chaptered Haruhi fic I'm planning, and we know the chance THAT happening. (Hint: the answer starts with N and rhymes with "ill".) Also, this was supposed to be much more danger-themed, but at this point I'm just glad it's over with so I'm not going to fix the title. 

By the way, there's a line from a Vienna Teng song in there somewhere. Just one. If you can find it, I love you. If you can't, go check out her spectacular music until you can find it. Even if her religious overtones get on my nerves sometimes, she has amazing skill in using a few words to create a detailed image. I mean, woah.


	5. E is for Education

"Oh man, _of course_ I will!" Taniguchi grinned as he took their coffee from the vending machine. "I've gotta say though, I'm pretty surprised you came to me for this."

Kunikida was too, to be honest. He liked Taniguchi well enough but his track record with women was far from perfect. Unfortunately Kunikida's brother had just been dumped so love was a touchy subject, and Kyon was out of the question until he stopped dancing around Haruhi. Taniguchi may be regarded as creep or a lecher, but Kunikida figured he was moderately better than pulling a stranger off the street.

"You have the most experience," he said, smiling and refraining from finishing the sentence with 'being dumped.'

"You're so right," Taniguchi said, beaming with pride as he handed Kunikida the second can of coffee. "Ok, let me tell you all about it. When you want to woo a lady, you can't just wimp out about it. You've got to look strong. You know what I mean?"

"I'm afraid I don't... could you elaborate?"

Taniguchi gave a thoughtful frown and Kunikida could almost hear the rusty gears turning in his head. People rarely asked what he thought about anything- he was out of practice.

"Well... you know..." He made a few vague gestures as he wandered over to a table and sat down. "You've got to take control. Don't wait for her to notice you on her own. _Make_ her notice you first."

"Like making a good first impression?" Kunikida asked, slipping into the seat across from him.

"Exactly like that!"

"Should I bring her flowers, then? Or leave a love note in her shoe locker? Perhaps a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day-"

"HALT! CEASE! DESIST!"

Kunikida flinched as Taniguchi's roar cut through his musings. Taniguchi shook his head and grabbed at his hair like a harried businessman.

"Man, who's been giving you these ideas? You watching chick flicks behind my back or something? Seriously, those things are so cliche! You think you'll get a girl by acting like every other dumb sap who's come her way?"

"Sorry," Kunikida said, giving his coffee a sheepish smile. He took a few sips to cool the burning in his cheeks before continuing. "So what should I do instead?"

"You've gotta be bold and take control. Just go up to her, grab her hands, and tell her that you two should be dating."

Kunikida gasped, overcome by abject horror at the very thought of approaching Tsuruya that way. Tact aside, she might take that the wrong way and respond aggressively. He'd seen her in gym; Tsuruya could bash his head in with a single kick and a cheerful laugh.

"I could never do that!" he protested.

Taniguchi banged his fist on the table and started to object but suddenly stopped. He stared at Kunikida for a minute and then tilted his head to the side and leaned forward in surprise.

"Wow. This girl has really got you, huh?"

His face must have said everything because Taniguchi didn't wait for an answer.

"Well in that case, you should make this really count. Don't just say you should be dating; tell her you love her."

"I can't!" Kunikida was pleading with him this time, but Taniguchi would have none of it.

"Of course you can. Here, I'll let you practice on me. Can't let my buddy down when he's in so deep, right? Grab my hands and tell me you love me."

He put his arms up on the table and gave Kunikida an expectant stare. Kunikida shifted nervously in his seat.

"But what if she-"

"It's cool, this is just a practice run. You don't need to worry about that kind of thing. C'mon."

Kunikida's mind was racing for a way to get out of this but he knew it was useless. He had _asked_ Taniguchi, after all. And he knew how embarrassing this must be for Taniguchi, so he really should be grateful for the help and just try it. It was for his own good.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and reached for Taniguchi.

"-ove y-?" he squeaked, his fingertips hovering just short of Taniguchi's wrists. Taniguchi snorted.

"Oh yeah, Cassanova. My heart is so yours right now."

"I told you, I can't!"

"You can. You love this chick, right? If you keep wussing out, she'll never know! Do it again!"

Taniguchi was right. Every year he'd told himself that he had to wait for the right timing, but the truth was that he was just too scared to do it. When would the timing be right, then? When they graduated and went off to different universities? He had to do this.

Kunikida took a deep breath and seized Taniguchi's wrists, locking eyes with him. His heart hammered so hard he thought it might break his ribs.

"I love you," he said.

Taniguchi grinned and his entire face lit up with pride.

"That's what I like to hear! Louder and with more conviction!"

"**I LOVE YOU!"** Kunikida shouted. He was grinning too now and the hammering turned to a victorious flutter. He _could_ do this! He could—

"**Nyahahahaha!" **

The coffee in his stomach turned to a block of lead.

"You two look real cozy!" Tsuruya laughed again. "That's hilarious! I had no idea!"

"What- you-"

Taniguchi's eyes widened and he tried to pull away, but Kunikida had gone into rigor mortis.

"This is not what it looks like!" Taniguchi sputtered, struggling against Kunikida's iron grip. "I was just helping him practice!"

"It's ok," Tsuruya assured them. "I won't tell. I bet it'd really ruin your reputation as a lady-killer, wouldn't it?"

"But it's not- I'm not-"

"I'll leave you two alone now," she said, waving. "Have fun, boys! Ahahahahahaha!"

Her laughter seemed to get louder as she walked away, echoing off the walls of the courtyard again and again until it was an endless cacophony of mortal humiliation and shattered dreams. Taniguchi finally pried himself free of Kunikida.

"This is a disaster! The worst case scenario! I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school at this rate! Damn it!"

He chugged the rest of his coffee and stomped on the can a few times before he turned back to Kunikida. He hadn't moved a centimeter.

"You!" Taniguchi shoved a finger at him, scowling. "After I've gone through all that suffering for you, you had _better_ tell me who this girl is!"

Kunikida came to life long enough too give him a final horrified look, then he laid his head down on the table and cried.

* * *

Hey! I bet you're surprised to see me back. If there are any of the same people browsing this category now as there were 3 years ago, that is. Truth is, I'm surprised to be back too. I lost interest in Haruhi, and in fanfiction in general for a few years. Then I just sat down and wrote this all in one sitting, and it felt great! So clearly I should get back to writing drabbles. I can't PROMISE there will be more, but this was fun as hell. It was also interesting to write Taniguchi and Kunikida- never done it before, never expected to do it.

As usual, constructive criticism is loved and listened to to the best of my ability and rational judgement. Thanks for reading!


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